My Ex-Wife is a Lesbian and She's an Unfit Mother

Kate Reid

 

Your honour, let me tell my story to you

And a familiar story it seems to be these days

My wife, you see, she's up and left me

For some woman living down the street

 

So, here I’m in court with you today

I'm confident you agree with my plight

I've got an ex-wife now but she ended up with our kids somehow

And I'm ready for a fight

 

Chorus:

Can't you please do something?

I'm the children's father

My exwife is a lesbian and

She's an unfit mother

She's damaging my offspring

With her sick and twisted ways

She's off her rocker, Your Honour

Please take my kids away from her

 

I know you'll sympathize with my frustration

They seem to be living in this communal hippie situation

She's corrupting them with potlucks and all this folk music, too

I think there's even a midwife hanging around

 

She's got them enrolled in some alternative art school

Your honour, can't this be overruled?

As far as I can tell, she's not feeding them any meat at all

It's just tofu, greens and sprouts

 

Chorus:

Can't you please do something?

I'm the children's father

My exwife is a lesbian and

She's an unfit mother

She's damaging my offspring

With her sick and twisted ways

She's off her rocker, Your Honour

Please take my kids away from her

 

Bridge:

I won't pay child support

I won't pay a single cent

After all, she's the one that wanted them, your honour

And did I mention, that she's a lesbian?

 

When I pick them up for the weekend

It's a scene more horrific than you can imagine

Let me describe what lies before me as I step through the front door

And I'm sure you'll side with me

 

Lying on the floor is my teenaged daughter

Reading a comic called “Dykes to Watch Out For”

And one about a crazed feminist superhero named Hothead Paizan

My son's in the kitchen singing “A is for Amazon”

 

There are witchcraft books stacked on the bookshelf

The smell of lavender incense permeates the air

There's all this vegetarian hype, dogs and cats lying around

With a prerogative of animal rights

 

There's a Harley parked in the backyard

That belongs to my exwife's new girlfriend

There's a clothesline full of tie-dye clothes just blowing in the wind

And peace signs on their Volkswagon van

 

Chorus:

Can't you please do something?

I'm the children's father

My exwife is a lesbian and

She's an unfit mother

She's damaging my offspring

With her sick and twisted ways

She's off her rocker, Your Honour

Please take my kids away from her